I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
