You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
