you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I believe in your delicious
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
