No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
