____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
