pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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