I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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