You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
