I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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