i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
