She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
