I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
