i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Reggie can tackle my bush.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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