guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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