Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
