If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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