You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
