It's Friday. Sex?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
