The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
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