Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
