he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
