I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
