I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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