be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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