Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
