I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
