i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
