i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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