i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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