I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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