the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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