i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
