life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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