When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize