Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
