At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
