idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
wrigley field is MILF paradise
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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