dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
