Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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