you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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