video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
