is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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