alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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