For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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