Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
