So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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