life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
