The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
