did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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