Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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