I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
