why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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