she takes plan B like it's going out of style
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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