I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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