I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
