Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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