we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize