I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize