I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
