the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
