I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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