i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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