True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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